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Francine Caitlyn Chye
a.k.a. Hurricaine Fran
a.k.a. Fran the PCD
a.k.a. the happy bunny :D
<3
040889 (August baby!)
Crescent, ACJC, hocker
xoxo
If it's meant to be, it'll be(:
"And sometimes good things fall apart
so better things can fall together"
don't think, just run
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
so, it's after Os. wow. i honestly did not think it'd pass this fast. i can remember coming into crescent with my damn long skirt and damn yellow blouse and here i am, practically four years later, Os over, friendships both preserved and made, memories etched deep into my memory box and heart, tears cried, laughter shared and food chowed down at .. really slow speeds (: it's been a wonderful four years and i hope you guys have been blessed with the same amount of fantastically fantastic times to recall when we're old and wrinkly and actually have to watch our cholesterol levels (gaspps.) honestly honestly, i wouldn't trade these years for anything in the world.
so, it's after Os. wow. i hate it. I HATE IT. whoever said it was something to look forward to LIED. LIED LIED LIED LIED LIED. fucking liars. (sorry for swearing yujia.) so that's why i'm not blogging. there's nothing to blog about. NOTHING. there are, of course, but i don't want to wallow in self pity on the net.
spent the day in bed. the DAY. my period cramps decided to join my freakiingg aching body and head and heart. one big party it was today. i guess it felt good to escape both emotional and physical pain. though, i must admit, where was i escaping to? i just wanted to skip the day. it was a kinda day when you get up, wonder why the hell you got out of bed for, then went back to sleep. that's exactly what i did. with the exception of making lunch for my sisters. for the first time ever, i skipped lunch. felt the negative effects of that when the gastric juices were battling it out with the contracting muscles of my uterus. i honestly must say, i have not had a worse few days.
sometimes i like to think about the 'what if's' in life, the 'what happened?', the 'why?'s. maybe i'm too much of a coward to let go of the past. but aren't we all? our hurts, miseries, experiences and joys depict the kinda person we become. and lately, i'm pretty sure this isn't the kind of person i want to be. to lose my enthusiasm is scaring me. i heartily apologise to the people who have had to go down with me; i don't mean to burden you guys with my pathetic self pity. i will snap out of it, just bear with me on this one okay? this one will take a bit more time. i'm sorry.
but as you think, don't you feel that you couldn't have traded in your sorrows for anything less? the irony of it all is sometimes overbearing i must admit.
it was so much easier to anticipate the pain, yet some part of me truly believed that taking faith in promises made so many months earlier would follow through. now i reflect and... it's stupid, choosing not to just accept the facts that were placed right in front of me at that time, not taking your word for it and choosing to think that you were instead, ironically, trying to protect me. call it blinded but is it? why is it so wrong to believe in something you thought you felt was true, that you thought was the one that would last maybe a little longer. was it sheer stupidity that drove me to draw strength from what i was looking forward to? where does that leave me now? finding myself without a source from which i could empty out my fears, the person i could run to for comfort and solace and to simply lean on... where does that leave me? maybe it was the over dependancy that got me, i always knew it'd be my retribution one day. but then, i think again. you can't make somebody love you. it amazes me how, even after i guide people to that conclusion, the mere thought of it, when placed in the exact same, though different situation.. it hurts. God, it hurts. and sometimes i'd give anything to make it go away. i guess what really stings is knowing that while i cried, you were smiling. while i was revisting the past, you were ready to move on with the future. and all this while, though the reality in it was staring me in the face, i chose to believe what i felt. i s'pose emotions aren't that reliable after all. still, though, you were my everything. and that's what i'm leaving it as. it scares me to think that i was yours too.
thank you for being there to make sure i kept my head above the water, literally. thank you for not giving up on me when i got hysterically idiotic. thank you for being there to hear me cry whilst laughing, to talk me out of insanity and for telling me that it's okay to hurt. thank you for sharing my pain, no matter how late into the night we ended up on the phone. thank you for simply being there. we'll get through this, eventually.
i can't wait for JC.
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more
gone-
ex-oh, ex-oh
3:07 AM
